Fun-Sucking Sophomore Finally Understands Significance of Jingling Keys at Football Games

EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates. “It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!” Andrews admitted in despair that she thought the point of the tradition was just to make noise. “I thought we were just trying to be loud and fun, and I was okay with that!” She quickly added, “I like fun.” Since this shocking discovery, Andrews has engaged in a not-so-silent protest of the tradition. “Shame on whoever came up with this. These students are committed to higher learning just like all of us,” she exclaimed. “Just because we pay five times their tuition and have an average of double their SAT scores doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect.” Still, despite the objections of Andrews and like, five other people, the cruel key jingling continues at each game. “Clearly everyone at this school has some kind of unresolved superiority complex,” Andrews replied. “And I should know, I took Psych 110.” An anonymous source who swears she is definitely not Andrews’ roommate offered the possibility that Andrews is just an “over-analyzing buzzkill douche.”